The Benefits System That Prevents Me Recovering...

Dear Nicola Sturgeon, DWP & anyone else who can maybe help

I am writing this because today I am having a bad day.  And the main reason I am having a bad day is because I feel hopeless.  You see, I am currently recovering from a very difficult period of anxiety, depression and panic. (I also live with various other long term health conditions – but they were not taken into account during my recent assessment with yourselves)

When I say very difficult, let me explain that that actually means life threatening.  Yes – I know those are normally words that you hear attached to illnesses such as cancer or heart disease, but let me tell you – mental illness is like cancer of the brain and the heart all rolled into one. 

Mental illness made me believe that my two young children aged 8 and 11 would be better off without me in their life. 

Mental illness made me believe that I am useless and worthless and that I have no skills worth sharing with the world. 

Mental illness made me believe that my close friends and family were ashamed of me because of my illness – for being so weak and useless.   

So yes my mental illness was life threatening.

I am trying to recover, and have been for the last 10 months from the day that I feel like I fell off the planet.  For 7 of those months I have been awarded Personal Independence Payment which I have never claimed before regardless of living with many long term health conditions. And for the last 4 months I have been receiving Employment Support Allowance.  Contrary to popular belief and what the media likes to portray – I do not want to be on benefits for the rest of my life.  I want to get back to work and I want to get back to being able to effectively self-manage my health. 

I want to get back to being the passionate, driven and innovative person than many people know me to be and that I know is hiding within me underneath all this self-hatred and self-doubt.   I’m not going to give you my full CV here but let’s just say I have done some damn good work in this country in the field of mental health, which has been recognised at both national and international level.  And I want to get back to it – but I’m stuck – you have me stuck right here being unwell – afraid to move forward!!

And the reason I am having such a bad day is because I feel completely stuck and in limbo.  You see – if I start to recover then the likelihood is that you will remove my benefits.  And if you remove my benefits too soon whilst I am undertaking this absolutely vital recovery process then I know that I have a high chance of ending back up in the desperate dark place that I have fought so hard for the last 10 months to crawl out of.  You see – just like recovery from cancer, recovery from mental illness takes time. 

For me it also means taking risks – facing my fears, challenging my false beliefs.  Challenging the voices in my head that tell me that I’m a useless piece of crap.  Challenging the voices that tell me that my family would be better off without me.  And let me tell you - this is like running a mental marathon every single day inside my own head. 

Thankfully – like any recovery process things get easier as time goes on, but that does not mean I am recovered.  It means that I am recovering – and if you pull the rug from under my feet then I assure you I am most likely to fall. 

So what do I do???  Do I push myself to take risks which I know is the only way that I will move forward – but risk losing my benefits or do I stay stuck where I am; wanting to be well and effectively self-manage my health & well-being but unable to for the fear of losing the benefits that can help me to get there.

Any advice would be gratefully received.  I don't even know why I'm doing this....  putting my head above the parapit, but I guess in some small way I hope that my experiences will help change things in the future........

Yours sincerely

A distressed and frustrated benefits claimant