11 years being angry at myself when it really wasn't my fault...

This week I took a big step and viewed my medical notes from my time spent as an in-patient in psychiatric wards.  I always knew that it would be a challenging thing to do - but I felt the time was right. 
They made interesting reading.  That time of my life has always been a bit blurry to say the least.  I was unsure of how long I spent in hospital etc.  Its not something that has ever been spoken openly about in my family.   For many years I carried a huge amount of embarrassment about this time in my life.  I often wondered if I could have done more to prevent what happened, if I could have taken more personal responsibility etc ,  From reading my notes I can finally say in all honesty that what was very very clear was that I was very mentally unwell, and that people were not listening to what I was telling them.  I am so fortunate that I finally found an excellent GP who pieced together all the bots of information that led to my diagnosis and treatment for PMDD.

Here is a brief rundown of events:
6 months of continuous decline in mood following a hormonal injection (trigger) - no suicidal thoughts
Given Fluoxetine by GP, after 5 days I was taken to A & E by my family as I was extremely distressed and expressing suicidal thoughts and intent.  Had written notes etc
Admitted, questioned about marriage/stress levels etc and given diazepam and told to reduce stress levels
Discharged 2 days later on a higher dose of Fluoxetine with no follow up planned except GP
2 days later admitted to hospital after a "serious attempt at own life"
Medically treated and discharged back to GP with referral to CPN  - anything up to 16 weeks to see....
Still on Fluoxetine....

Thankfully my GP saw the red flag that everyone else seemed to have missed and immediately changed my drug therapy to venlafaxine.

Amongst other things that disturbed me was some of the language used in my medical notes.  I experienced huge self-stigma over the years and I wonder how helpful this conversation must have been to me...
Nurse "on discussing this today (suicide attempt) Donna realises this was a foolish thing to do"

But I am glad that I have read them.  It has helped me to piece together a sequence of events that I can now process, make sense of and let go. 

I am so thankful that my attempt failed and so thankful that I can now make a difference to others.
Onwards & upwards - to infinity and beyond :)

When you Wish Upon a Star (And you have the passion that lived experience brings...)

Tonight I worked alongside 3 volunteers from Hope Cafe as we worked hard to get the cafe ready for opening.  I cannot even begin to describe what it feels like to have achieved this dream.  So so so many years of thinking "you can't, you shouldn't, you won't, you will fail" have finally turned into "I can, I will and now I have!!"
In the words of Jiminy Cricket (many fond memories of watching this with my beloved Nana)

"When a star is born
They possess a gift or two
One of them is this
To make your dreams come true

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon that star
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longings

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon that star
Your dreams comes true

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longings

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon that star
Your dreams comes true"

 

Thank you Nana - always in my heart and dreams xxx

Enjoy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGP-1eMgzUE